The calm before the storm

Sometimes you have to wonder what it's all worth.

Sometimes you have to think of how much others have already suffered for the sake of freedom.

Sometimes you have to think of how much more they will have to suffer for the sake of freedom.

Sometimes you have to think of this Uncertainty that has been the sole constant for so long.

And then you have to wonder if it's worth it.

That's your side

Sometimes it feels as though we’re in our own separate worlds that are so very different, and so very far apart, that we become almost complete strangers to each other. And, as usual, I can never get into your world.

Giving up

Is it really such a shameful thing to do? Is it wrong to say, “I can’t do this anymore; I’ve had enough,” and just let it all go? But what if we had no other choice? Do we soldier on and try to make the best of a bad situation, knowing that we’re just setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment, or do we raise our heads high, admit defeat, and start all over again?

I used to be absolutely determined to be on my own, build my own life, and depend on nobody but myself. But maybe because of the recent turn of events, I’m beginning to be extremely tempted to just give up my whole life here, pack everything (well, just the clothes, bags and shoes) up, and go home. 

But then, no matter how strong the temptation is to go home, it pales to the galling thought of starting life from scratch again, and the overwhelming number of obligations that I have yet to fulfill here: the money I have yet to make and bring home, the people I have to care for, the life I could still have a chance to live. Am I willing to give up my freedom and my independence to go back to a life under constant scrutiny and criticism just because I’m facing a few hurdles that are taking a little longer than usual to overcome?

In the end, we all do what we have to. Whether it’s quitting the job that’s consuming every last breath in our body, moving to get away from the memories of that hideous relationship, or letting that certain person go because we know nothing can come out of hanging on to them, we do what’s given to us to do. Because we know that in time, we will heal, and we know that at least we tried, and at least we could stop ourselves just in time to say, “Enough is enough.”

Sacrifice

The one thing everybody dreams of doing but never really dares to do. How much are we willing to sacrifice for the ones we love? It’s all very well for us to say, “I love you with my life,” but when it comes time to choose between love and life, where is the line to distinguish between the two? If one can’t exist without the other, then how do we compromise so that we get both? And if we can’t compromise, and have to give one up, which one would it be? According to Some, “You may be giving up your dreams if you go with him, but at least you’ll have him.” Admittedly, it made sense. But then once we’ve decided which one to give up and which one to keep, then it becomes a gamble, and regardless of what we choose, it’s a gamble for our own lives. There can be no room for regrets, or ‘buyer’s remorse’, or even a shadow of a doubt that we made the wrong decision.

As have mentioned before, one of the greatest ongoing battles ever fought in the history of mankind is the one between the logical side and the emotional side of the brain. No matter how hard or how bravely they fight, the emotional side somehow ends up winning most of the time, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but things may just be better if the logical side had won in the first place. And once again, no marks for guessing which side I’m on.

The White Flag

sur·ren·der P Pronunciation Key (s?-ren?d?r)
v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders
v. tr.
To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
To give up in favor of another.
To give up or give back (something that has been granted)
To give up or abandon
To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion

In the end, no matter how hard we try, we must stop fighting the losing battle and give in to what we know will happen.

I want that

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is go against our principles. Whether it was a feeling that was suddenly triggered by something or someone, or a feeling that had been dormant all our lives and was just waiting to slowly arise, we eventually realize that we’re ready to live for the things that we’d always spoken and felt so very strongly against. And we realize how difficult it is to stop putting up the strong front that had always shielded us so comfortably; how difficult it is to get off our high horses and finally admit that we’ve been wrong, and that we want to do what we’d always sworn we’d never do. To admit that we want to have what we’d always vowed we’d never have. And that’s when we can’t wait for the time to come when we can really do and have all that.

Because of you

I actually thought I could have the kind of life every woman wants, and the kind of life I always dreaded.

I will never again harbor thoughts of giving up my entire self just to please other people.

I learned to live with insecurities that I never even knew were there before.

I am now the bitter cynic who will always think that love only exists in the movies, and that very inaccurately.

I will always be haunted by the fear that I will never be good enough for anyone.

I will never again believe in forever.

Waiting

It seems as though that’s all I’ve been doing these days.

Waiting for the tide to turn, watching in increasing desperation and agony as it wavers in my favor and then away from it, in one vicious cycle.

Waiting for a sign from God to tell me everything will eventually work out.

In a nutshell, waiting for a bloody miracle.

It’s enough to make anyone shake the teeth out of me and bellow, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!”

Doormat

Sometimes you just can’t please everybody. You try to accommodate more than one person at a time, but it’s never good enough. There will always be shortcomings and disappointments, and only anger and bitterness in the end.


Sometimes we just have to wonder why we still even bother to try. Are we in severe denial, or is there really that miniscule smidgen of a chance that in the end things will work out the way we’d always hoped they would? What is it that makes us think this is all worth it?

Am being a bloody doormat .

+ 1 - 1 = 0

her·mit P Pronunciation Key (hûr’mĭt)
n. A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse

lep·er P Pronunciation Key (lĕp’ər)
n. A person who is avoided by others; a pariah.

cul-de-sac P Pronunciation Key (kŭl’dĭ-săk’, kŏŏl’-)
n. A dead-end street.

Have turned into one. A hermit/leper who’s in an emotional cul-de-sac. And am mighty tired of it.

Doom

It’s a feeling you can never shake, no matter how hard you try not to think about it.

I live in a glass house. There’s always that feeling of doom that a tiny grain of sand will hit the wall, and the whole house will shatter.

So it isn't just me

One of the greatest injustices of life is that just when you think everything is finally settled down and going well, something happens to make it fall apart all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that just never ends.

Yesterday I saw the one thing I needed to tell me that my instincts were right. And now my whole world is crashing down around my ears again. If what I feel is true, then I don’t want to waste another second of my life in this fiasco.

One of the greatest ongoing battles ever fought in mankind is the one between the logical side and the emotional side of the brain. No matter how hard or how bravely they fight, the emotional side always wins, and the logical side always loses. No marks for guessing which side I’m on.

A single woman will not say she has to support herself because her so-called ex-boyfriend can’t support her. She would say she has to support herself because she doesn’t even have a boyfriend to support her in the first place, wouldn’t she?

It doesn’t matter what you say
It’s a feeling that will never go away

Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear

Apparently it’s the key to happiness.

In a funny way, have come to dread every single night between midnight and 1:30AM. The routine has become more frequent, and there is no way of stopping it, although am dimly aware that unless am dead sure of own convictions, there isn’t any real reason to stop it. Yet the fearful dread of it appears at around this time every night like clockwork, and am hating self for it.