A wild goose chase

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.“ – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

Unfortunately, not all of us can have that kind of luxury.

I know I don’t.

Let it be

Why did I think things had ever changed?

Why did I think things could ever change?

Nothing has changed.

Nothing will ever change.

Now I have less reason than ever to believe anything that anyone tells me.

You don’t tell someone “I miss you” to their face and then turn around and tell someone else the same thing.

The same old feeling

Sometimes I can't quite believe I'm here. I can't fathom how everything turned out this way, and why I couldn't make it all turn around. Sometimes the memories are so blurred I get frustrated trying to gather them, and sometimes they're so vivid that the pain of harboring them becomes too much to bear. When I wake up and wonder why I'm freezing myself to death by sleeping with the air-conditioning, I look around and feel irrationally angry that I'm here.

I wonder when This feeling will go away.

I wonder when That feeling will come back.

I wonder if It has already gone and I'm still in denial.

I wonder if It had ever left to begin with, and I'm just not looking in the right place for It.

Still - me subconcious preserverance

I've thought and thought about it. I've questioned and second-guessed myself whenever I was asked that question. I've dredged up every single memory I have, both good and bad, and sifted through them over and over again until it hurts to think anymore. I've searched my memory and my soul, mentally relived every single day, and weighed out all the options and circumstances of it. And each time, the answer is the same: "Nothing has changed. Everything is still the same."

Je suis comme amoureux de lui maintenant comme j'étais tous ces mois avant.

Stretched taut - the things that are becoming increasingly difficult to do

Trying not to worry too much.

Trying not to push too hard and end up pushing everything beyond the boundaries.

Trying to smile and say, "OK, see you around," without fighting the urge to say more.

Trying to shrug and say, "Oh, never mind," without fighting the need to bawl my eyes out.

Trying to think that everything really will be all right if and when the time comes to hold my head high and admit defeat.

Running away

I remember being so eager to leave back then, desperate to escape the life I was leading here, desperate to escape the miserable relationship that had completely taken over my life, aching for a new beginning in a new place. Maybe it's the memories of all the mistakes I made since I left. Maybe it's the current circumstances of my life that have made it all the more unbearable. Whatever it is, I'm back in that phase where I would lay down my life, sell my soul, to be able to have that chance to go back there and start all over again, and have the chance to do things differently so that I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in right now.

Sitting at old town with a friend few hours ago -- and in a much more confessional mood -- we were talking about the people in our lives who aggravate us so much that at times we want to strangle them, but who mean so much to us that at some point we overlook their faults and accept them the way they are because we want them that badly in our lives. We've all had the friends who weren't really good friends, and the other halves who weren't really good other halves, but whom we put up with just the same because the little things they did for us at some point were enough to make us want to continue having them in our lives. We know that we're little more than a mere convenience to them, but we bear with it just the same because we can't imagine being without them. And so we make excuses for them and for their behavior, because we love them enough to know that some things are not worth losing them over.

But when push comes to shove, how many more excuses can we make for them? When we know that at some point we have to face up to how little we matter to them, what do we do then? Do we turn a blind eye and continue defending them? Or do we give in to the fact that we really can't put up with much more, give up on them, and walk away? Which one, then, would be the sign of courage? If it were the latter, then I'm a bloody coward.

Code red

I've done it again. Once again I've set myself up for the equivalent of a plane crash, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces on my own. And once again, I have absolutely nobody to blame but myself, because I chose to stay in the plane, and I chose to face the pain and the humiliation in the hopes that in the end everything would turn out all right. It might not be so bad though, because it was a long time coming.

They were right. They were all right. They all knew this was headed for disaster, and they all tried to warn me. But I ignored their advice, choosing instead to stick to what I wanted to believe in, to what I had believed in right from the very beginning, yet all the while knowing in the back of my mind that they were right. But now that the truth of it has been forced in my face, I just need to lift my chin and go through it with what little dignity I have left.

If only it didn't hurt so damn much.

Rock bottom

I recently developed the silly notion that no matter what happens now, the best is yet to come, in an attempt not to take for granted what I already have. But sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier if things were any other way. If they were better does that mean I would have been happier, or just content because I wouldn't have had to struggle so much? And if they were even worse than they are now, does that mean I would be happier when they got better in the end, or completely strung-out from the fight and realizing too late that it was never worth it in the first place?

Rewind - as if it never happened

It's as if everything thus far had been a dream, an aberration, a complete lie. It's as if an inordinate chunk of time had been taken out and so thoughtlessly cast aside, and everything has been flung back to square one, without any consideration that it all could possibly have been real.

It's as if I'm getting to know myself all over again.

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance, it seems so obvious

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
I've more than honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

- Alanis Morissette, Hands Clean -

eyes wide open

I've heard what I needed to hear. As horrifying as it was, it was the wake-up call that I needed. It's time to stop being so naïve and face the reality I pushed aside for so long. And now that it's all becoming terrifyingly clearer by the second, I know what I need to do.

Ground below zero - and you thought it was bad before

Just when you think your troubles are somewhat diminished, something happens to completely throw you for a loop, and you're flung right back down to where you started. Or possibly even lower this time.