A sign

All I ask for is a sign. Whether or not it is a sign that I should hold on and continue to wait, or a sign that I should let everything go, all I need is a sign.

Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will.

self-mutilation

We really do do it to ourselves

We all have that one thing that we fear above all else. We’ve thought about it. We’ve imagined it happening, and we’ve pictured ourselves dealing with it in the best way we can, each of us heroes in our own way. But all this is only for if it happens, in case it happens, because when it really does happen, when the one thing we always feared really does seem to be coming true, all the preparation in the world will not be enough to get us through it.

Sometimes it could have been avoided. When all the red flags were whipping madly in our faces, we could have tried pulling them out to save ourselves from the impending blow. But because as humans we are willing to endure all the pain — all that exquisite pain — for what little happiness we can get, we chose to leave the flags there, and in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

The calm before the storm

Sometimes you have to wonder what it's all worth.

Sometimes you have to think of how much others have already suffered for the sake of freedom.

Sometimes you have to think of how much more they will have to suffer for the sake of freedom.

Sometimes you have to think of this Uncertainty that has been the sole constant for so long.

And then you have to wonder if it's worth it.

That's your side

Sometimes it feels as though we’re in our own separate worlds that are so very different, and so very far apart, that we become almost complete strangers to each other. And, as usual, I can never get into your world.

Giving up

Is it really such a shameful thing to do? Is it wrong to say, “I can’t do this anymore; I’ve had enough,” and just let it all go? But what if we had no other choice? Do we soldier on and try to make the best of a bad situation, knowing that we’re just setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment, or do we raise our heads high, admit defeat, and start all over again?

I used to be absolutely determined to be on my own, build my own life, and depend on nobody but myself. But maybe because of the recent turn of events, I’m beginning to be extremely tempted to just give up my whole life here, pack everything (well, just the clothes, bags and shoes) up, and go home. 

But then, no matter how strong the temptation is to go home, it pales to the galling thought of starting life from scratch again, and the overwhelming number of obligations that I have yet to fulfill here: the money I have yet to make and bring home, the people I have to care for, the life I could still have a chance to live. Am I willing to give up my freedom and my independence to go back to a life under constant scrutiny and criticism just because I’m facing a few hurdles that are taking a little longer than usual to overcome?

In the end, we all do what we have to. Whether it’s quitting the job that’s consuming every last breath in our body, moving to get away from the memories of that hideous relationship, or letting that certain person go because we know nothing can come out of hanging on to them, we do what’s given to us to do. Because we know that in time, we will heal, and we know that at least we tried, and at least we could stop ourselves just in time to say, “Enough is enough.”

Sacrifice

The one thing everybody dreams of doing but never really dares to do. How much are we willing to sacrifice for the ones we love? It’s all very well for us to say, “I love you with my life,” but when it comes time to choose between love and life, where is the line to distinguish between the two? If one can’t exist without the other, then how do we compromise so that we get both? And if we can’t compromise, and have to give one up, which one would it be? According to Some, “You may be giving up your dreams if you go with him, but at least you’ll have him.” Admittedly, it made sense. But then once we’ve decided which one to give up and which one to keep, then it becomes a gamble, and regardless of what we choose, it’s a gamble for our own lives. There can be no room for regrets, or ‘buyer’s remorse’, or even a shadow of a doubt that we made the wrong decision.

As have mentioned before, one of the greatest ongoing battles ever fought in the history of mankind is the one between the logical side and the emotional side of the brain. No matter how hard or how bravely they fight, the emotional side somehow ends up winning most of the time, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but things may just be better if the logical side had won in the first place. And once again, no marks for guessing which side I’m on.

The White Flag

sur·ren·der P Pronunciation Key (s?-ren?d?r)
v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders
v. tr.
To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
To give up in favor of another.
To give up or give back (something that has been granted)
To give up or abandon
To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion

In the end, no matter how hard we try, we must stop fighting the losing battle and give in to what we know will happen.